For the past little while, I’ve been asking myself, “why am i doing this? I’m not having oodles of fun at this, and when I go home, I dread coming back”. If you’re wondering what on God’s green earth I’m talking about, I’m talking about my venture to the University of Alberta, where I am currently in the Bachelour of Fine Arts-Techinical Theatre Stage Management program. At first, this was totally what I wanted to do, and my other reason for picking the UofA in the big city of Edmonton Alberta, was to conquor my phobia of living in the city and on my own (yeah..I’m 20 and I had a fear of living on my own and in the city). So I applied, was accepted, and have now conqured my fear, and I’m not entirely happy. So, I have toss around the idea of changing faculties, just simply staying regardless of my unhappiness (thinking that it would iron itself out eventually), and now recently, just simply returning home to find myself again, and refocus.
At the moment, I’m leaning towards just simply returning home. Now, you may be asking why exactly are you doing this? And for those that know me rather well, you may be asking “But, I thought you were so passionate about theatre, what happend?” Well, I’m not really sure what happend, but what I have discovered is that, I’m very much a family oriented person, it’s where I get my strength, and determination from, and it makes it rather hard to find that strength when my family is a 9 hour drive away, and they have to try and do their best over the phone..yeah..call me selfish, or a baby, but a phone call doesn’t fill the gap. Also the entertainment industry is ruthless, and I’ve discovered that in order to be successful, I would have to loss a part of myself, and become jaded, and I feel that I would have to become that way just to remotely fit in at school..yeah…not happening. I’ve lost sight of who I really am before, and I’m not going to do it again. So call me a coward, or whatever, but I’ll be at happy coward at the end of the day, no matter what I choose (which I have an idea of what I’m going to do, I’m just not going to say just yet, until I’m 100% sure).