Lately, life has been a mix of Lily Allen’s “The Fear” (if you don’t know the song, I would suggest looking it up, it’s great! Lily Allen is great!) and if any of you remotely watch Glee, they did Keane’s Somewhere Only We Know. For an episode reference, it was the one when Blane transferred to Michinley(sp?).
Anyways, for explaination of my angsty, emoness, I’m the classic 20 something year old, that is finding herself sitting back and asking herself “what do I want out of life?” and “how do I deal with the things that life has dealt me already?” One thing I am learning even more is, when it comes to other people’s expectations they can shove it. I’ve been wondering when exactly other people’s expectations became more important than mine.
One thing I hate is when someone or something tells me how my life is going to go. The only person that has any right to do that is God of course, because he created me. But even He gives me a choice. If anyone remotely knows me, if I don’t want to follow the curve, I won’t. When I was 12, my teacher told me that I should write smaller, did I listen? Nope, I rebelled and wrote bigger.
So lately I’ve been wondering, why exactly I have been giving into, and trying to meet others expectations. This trying to conform to others has as Lily Allen phrases it “I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore”. I’ve been thinking that if I do this, I’ll be happy. I’ve come to discover that what I thought I wanted, has changed greatly. What I want is to simply have a beautiful life.
But sometimes, I just want to crawl into the world that is decribed in Keane’s song, as in this world, our world doesn’t exist, my confusing feelings don’t exist.
So I’ve decided that this summer, my personal project (as I have said to my dear cat Big Bird, he’s a good listener) that I am going to do what I want, and say nuts to everyone else’s expectations. I am going to meet my own expectations, and mine alone. This is because, at the end of the day, that’s what truly matters. Everyone else doesn’t matter.
So this may mean reading for hours on end, or doing what I am doing now, being sitting on my desk in front of the window and blogging, or recently turning down a job that I thought I wanted at point in time, to keep the one that I currently have, because right now it fits better with my current life situation.
This year has been one of adjusting, and I’ve decided rather than try and go back to the way things were, I am going to work with it, and see where that gets me.